Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Pull Your Head From Your Ass!


I introduce the long, long tale of the Rapunzel-type female who came from the small villages of the midwest.

Her life when I first met her was a life of excess. She had it all. A house, a husband who made excellent money, material goods, and even a daughter.

She was unusual in a sense because she was only 4’9″ in height, and hand very long, dark brown hair that touched the floor. However, one could not simply tell her height by looking at photographs.

Men worshiped her. Men who loved extremely long hair that is. They wanted her. They lusted until their balls were dry. Women adored her. Women who wanted her hair. Some of them even talking shit about the Rapunzel behind her royal little back.

She was the new Long Hair Queen of the Internet. And there was second to none to her. She was in fact, Queen of the Long Hair mountain. (That’s if you kept things at a domestic level. Because there were other women in other countries in other continents with even better looking and longer hair than she. But none in her own country.)

And with the unusual fetish came the very usual fetish behavior from people. Requests for her to do certain things with her hair from brushing it on film to doing gross things to it. And even some who had joined her highness just so they could recommend that she go bald, because their fetish was bald women or watching women cut off their hair. (Something personally I do not like nor understand.)

But the Long Hair Queen would cross paths with me. I failed to make any sort of impression other than having her realize that I was not about to make any kind of disgusting request for her to do something with her hair. In fact, I never made any requests at all. I simply talked to the woman inside Rapunzel. And it seemed to have been in my favor for some time.

And then I ended up meeting a different woman that I would enter a relationship with. Besides….. Rapunzel was married. Lived in the Midwest. Had a baby. And I’m no home wrecker.

I simply had to release the Rapunzel based on the insecurities of my last lover. Even though Rapunzel and I were operating on a purely platonic basis.

After the crash and burn of what was to be my last relationship… Rapunzel vanished completely from the spotlight that she once ruled and owned. Not a single strand of her hair was found anywhere. Just her footprints that she left online.

Nobody claimed to know where she was. Nobody could say what happened to her. All that they could say is that she was no longer online and living her life.

It would turn out that the short time that I was “forbidden” to talk with Rapunzel that she had all sorts of marital problems. The marriage collapsed and then she was separated and going through an epic divorce proceedings.

Of course in my male brain, I put 2 and 2 together and attempted to make 54,208 out of it. She was now single, I was now single. We clicked. I didn’t bother her about her hair. We talked like civilized people… so why not? Go find her. And don’t stop looking until you do.

But as stated, nobody claimed to know anything. The truth of the matter was that they knew EVERYTHING and they just refused to tell me about it. Until I found one individual willing to give the short version of Rapunzel’s story over the past few years. A woman who was known to be Rapunzel’s BFF online.

The truth was that Rapunzel’s husband had a job and this job required him to be out of town…. a lot!!!

Rapunzel had been unfaithful and took up another lover in place of her husband while he was gone, attempting to provide the lifestyle he simply gave to her just for being his wife. Everything he single cent he made was either to pay the bills or to go to his wife. His beautiful long haired wife. And she shit on it all, because in order for him to give her the lifestyle that she had, he had to be away from her most of the time.

Before I knew it, she was returning back to where she grew up. And she was basically only one state away from me. She was single, she had her child, and she felt a sense of freedom and she was proud of it. However, the online profile that she had set up for herself was the one thing that she was not proud of and attempted to dismantle her public online image.

Fast forward a few more years:

Rapunzel bounced from state to state. After I found her on Facebook, her “location” kept changing. She would get closer and closer to where I was. But with each and every location change, came the relationship status change.

It really is true what they say, particular for Rapunzel, after changing your relationship status three times, it should remain  as “UNSTABLE”.

And now she’s way up north. And even more difficult to spot or even say hello to.

After finding a sarcastic message about sending money to her on her upcoming birthday, I caught her attention with responding with sarcasm.

When I finally got her into a one-on-one conversation… I realized that chasing this Rapunzel was a worthless cause and I have spent over a decade of my lifetime trying to get her to smile at me, only to find that her own head is so far up her ass that there’s a reason why her eyes and hair are dark brown.

Around Christmas time, I sent her a jolly ole cyber kiss that involved a cyber mistletoe.

She refused to acknowledge any of it. It was actually meant to be funny and not taken seriously. Although with other women that I had sent it to, would kindly respond with *kiss* or “MWAH!” or whatever and then move on with their lives.

Rapunzel dodged the mistletoe like she dodged the questions about whether or not she’s available for communication.

She would NOT stop talking. She would send at least a half a dozen short messages before I even replied back with ONE. And it was about how freaking lucky she’s become that she finally found the right one. On and on droning about her newest love of her life and that he is now the one after so many failures, when all I have done was asked whether or not she’s had a nice Christmas.

A decade spent on someone not even worth my time.

And now I find she’s in a bit of a financial situation where money would best solve her problem fast. And willing to cut off her about thirty-six inches of her hair, for a quick $2100.

I asked what does a person get other than the cut off locks for that price and the answer was “Nothing.”


Ladies and gentlemen: Don’t EVER think you know someone, until you know someone.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s