Rocket Fueled Disaster

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It was a chance meeting… her and I. Coming together by the one thing that paired us: Music. Our love and passion for it.

Our fates sealed when our opinions were the same as a mutual acquaintance had taken a stand on an issue on Facebook. And the rest would not be history as the story has not come to an end officially. But looking back would be a serious bitch.

A tale so tangled full of woes because I apparently — don’t know how to slow the hell down or let someone else take the lead. Being that strong-willed person of wanting what I want, would work in other aspects of life, but experience has taught me that it does not work in other aspects of love.

The moment I realized that I had her attention, I was careful with her as if I was handling a newborn doe. I even left her alone for a couple of weeks after talking to her over Facebook until I found her again on Facebook right when I was about to leave for a few hours. I asked for her cell phone number, so that we could continue the conversation. She gladly approved my request and gave me her number.

But I did not call her though. Because that would have been deceit in my eyes. I asked for her number to be able to send text messages. Not to be able to talk to her over the telephone.

And then that little thing called “fate” came knocking on my door. Confusing, frustrating, damning fate.

I was off to go out to eat with a few neighbors when I had for some reason brought my cell phone along with me. Later in the evening my cell phone would ring from deep inside of my front pocket, giving my genitals a nice jostling. But it wouldn’t last long as whomever had called had decided to bail on the conversation entirely and hang up.

It was her. Someone I hadn’t talked to in over a week. But someone I had been thinking of FOR a week.

I sent a preemptive text message, asking if the attempt to call me was a mistake. She wrote me back and said it was an accident. I asked if she had “butt-dialed” me, but she was defiant in saying that she did not. She was so adamant to say that she did not “butt-dial” me that she gave me this long, intrusive explanation that made no sense that just admitting that a butt-dial had happened would’ve gone over ever so much easier.

The bastard child of fate though would begin to pour the cement for the rocket launching pad that would be my brain… my thoughts… my ideas… and my desires.

We would begin our journey of communication and conversation from that point forward. No matter if it was five minutes in duration or all day long. It was going to happen faster than well… you know. And what I was finding myself in, was a sort of relationship that had the component of daily

The flurry of communication was fantastic from the beginning as it always is. I asked her though if she was involved with any one and she said no. And I was totally shocked by that. But I had painted my picture to her that I was not interested in that. How that would change and there would be no way for me to stop it or hide it. And ran and it ran freely!

My conversations with her would begin to include a romantic element. But as far as that would go, it would be me asking what it was she preferred to see happen in romance with a man. She would answer honestly and freely.

Who was this woman? And where has she been all this time? A woman who appeared to be totally honest and upfront…. where do they come from?? I’m not saying she was perfect, we all have flaws. Both men and women. But WOW!!!

And it didn’t matter if I said something that was actually inappropriate or if I pushed a boundary or even stepped over and crossed one or two… or twenty-thousand. Those rare moments when I realized I may have said something inappropriate and knowing that it was time to apologize and not say that ever again, would prompt a quick “Its okay.” response out of her.

So now it seems as if I have a woman before me who is open and honest and now: quick to forgive.

Where in the hell does she hide her wings? (But no, I didn’t ask her that. I’m not that stupid!!) Nonetheless, the rose-colors were beginning to descend, the pedestal starting to polish, and a square footage estimation for me to put all of her glorious good deed trophies.

Maybe not that last one, but the others: very much so.

Knowing she was going to quickly forgive, I kept shoving and pushing those boundaries just to see how far they would go before she would object. Blindly I would stretch them until they nearly snapped into smaller pieces.

From the moment I met her in late October of 2013 on Facebook, through the month of November, and into December I honestly decided to take a huge risk to find out if I could get her physical address. And again, there was no dispute. No debate. Nothing. Just freely given information about her personal contact.

We had one conversation which was personal to her, and probably painful for her to talk about. And when that was over, I asked her if she felt a change between us. I took that change as an excuse to move in the wrong direction though in the relationship.

Does she REALLY trust me at this point with all of this information? Or is this something that isn’t what it appears to be?

I sent her a simple greeting card for Christmas. Then I made an error by NOT checking my own mailbox to find that she had sent her own Christmas greeting card. I hadn’t known until January of 2014 that it was there. Among other Christmas greeting cards that were sent. Knowing that I missed hers, was heartbreaking to me.

Her own birthday was in early December. That very evening of her birthday I did have plans and I attempted to call her twice. Once using the house phone and the other time using the cell phone. And I had done so even though I knew that she told me that she hates talking on the phone. I thought those kinds of females were extinct in the 21st Century?

My last minute ditch effort was to send a “Happy Birthday!” text message. And ONLY then did she respond.

Hell…. the week of Christmas I was nervous because Christmas to her was her remaining family. And I was not “blood family” so I thought that I would have to sit on the back burner during the holidays. But she proved that to be wrong as she sat with her family, her cell phone in her hand, and sending messages via Facebook to me to communicate. Even while sitting in the face and presence of visiting family members inside the home in which she and her mother live.

The week of Christmas I even taught her our own code phrases and words so that certain personal and intimate phrases and words would not make her go screaming for the hills. I see now that this was only the beginning of what would be the rose-colors beginning to fall. I said the “L word” to her and taught her how she and I could say it without saying it. To this day, its stuck to both of us. Even up to last night.

After I finally found her Christmas greeting card I brought it home, took photographs of it with the webcam and sent it to her with an apology for not being more vigilant to check my mail. Just weeks away from my own birthday is when I found it. And the fact that I didn’t check it in so long probably caused her to not buy and/or send a birthday card. But that’s just in my head.

I remember early on that during that time she and I were not really talking much to each other, prior to the cell phone incident, I would go to people that were mutual on Facebook and ask them what they thought of her. I wanted to know as much as possible. But nobody could answer. Nobody did answer. The only thing that I got out of them was that she was shy.

To which she answered personally that people think she is shy when she’s really quiet and she just observes everything that she sees.

And now this past week, I found someone willing to discuss it. All I had to do was to admit that I “liked her” and so all the personal opinions and stories about this woman that I have been dreamily for over 100 days were coming out and being aired in the open.

They. Were. Not. Good.

But I was also able to find out “the other person’s side” of things that had happened a few years ago with another woman whom I had adored when I first met her. Sound familiar anyone?

And now the only thing that is the mutual item between the woman that I passed on going for a relationship with romance and the woman that I have been wanting a relationship with romance with… is a man. One woman already has been made his conquest and that was the one that I did adore but let go, the other he is currently after which is the one that I desire now.

My fairy tale story comes crashing down because I jumped into a rocket full of fuel that I honestly could not handle. And when the truth had finally come out about the one that has been the glimmering shine in my eyes and how she truly is…. shatters the universe I live in.

What the hell do I do now?!?!?

 

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