As I dabble this evening into the beast of Facebook, I’m struck in the face yet again with a certain reality. A particular instance that just blindsides me with numbness and no emotion as I can do nothing but blink.
Back in 1998, I had done what I never thought twice about doing. I met a person from the Internet for the first time in my entire life. A brand new idea of traveling from one state to another state was about to go down.
The visit started out wonderfully. The second day (out of a planned five) however life would intervene. It would for me, wreck the mini-vacation. The first time I ever met someone from the Internet and things just fell apart.
But I still had weird feelings for her. Was this being in love? I know that cared about her as a person. But was this true love and what was going to happen now that things are falling to shit??
The unfortunate thing was that the last day and a half that I was there, I spent it in an Indianapolis hotel. Her family had an emergency and she had to leave. There was nothing neither of us could do.
So the shorter time that we had between us, we grew apart. By the time she dropped me off at the hotel, I didn’t know how I felt. In desperation I told her that I loved her. And she went into panic. But then she relaxed when I told her “….. as a friend. I love you.”
She closed the door behind her and that was the last time I ever saw her with my own eyes.
She was still a virgin at the point that I met her. And yes, I sooooo wanted her. But I never touched her. She pulled away so fast that I wouldn’t have ever been able to do anything. It was just the way it was going to be. But I pulled away further when I would go to the corner store, spend my money on a phone card and call my buddies and tell them how much misery I was in by being in Indiana. My misery however would be because I wasn’t getting out of this trip what I wanted which was a girlfriend.
There would be a long period of time when we didn’t talk. I was frustrated at her for not falling head over heels in love and she was angry at me for pushing it.
Until we both settled down and then I realized that it all had happened for a reason, then we were able to return to our friendship.
I knew that after me, she did meet another guy. She met with him and then started a relationship with him. It was with him that she had lost her innocence and I rumbled inside, knowing that I probably could have been the one and was so close. But….. I also had to decide whether or not deflowering a woman was going to be part of my life and intent or to be friends with someone.
I chose friendship.
She married the guy after the one who spoiled her. She had a couple of children. And she was happy. She was always willing to discuss my life including aspects of whether or not I had a girlfriend or had the hots for someone. She would drill a question into my head after asking it over and over and over again that I sit here and when I think about a particular woman that I am starting to like, I ask myself that question.
“Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her?”
It didn’t matter who or what woman was on my mind at that time. It was always that same question.
Fuck. That’s deep.
Since the discovery of Facebook, I added her there. But there’s been little to no communication whatsoever. But her posts have changed. Her profile has changed. There’s no more big, bad, buff hubby. But now a woman.
She’s changed and switched teams to which she plays for.